Forgiveness Is Simple But Not Easy

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Some of you maybe confused by this title. I was confused the first time I heard it many years ago and thought it was contradicting. The statement is true, forgiveness is simple but not easy. I was told to just forgive and things will get better in my life, what like it’s a light switch? It may be that way for some of you but not me. I had to feel it with every ounce of my being for it to be meaningful. Words alone are just that. Have you ever made a statement to someone but didn’t have the feeling behind it? Didn’t it feel like empty words?

So if you have read my other posts, you know I am an emotional person. I knew and understood what forgiveness but never experienced it until I got married. I had always wanted kids and always wanted to be married. I had to forgive my past mistakes and let it go but for years I just couldn’t. I lived with regret and guilt and it ate me up inside. One day I was done. I just couldn’t hate myself one more minute and I announced my forgiveness and cried. Three months later I found out I was pregnant.

OK you may be wondering that isn’t a big deal and what does it have to do with forgiving your past. Here’s the hard part to confess. When I was 23 I got pregnant by the fiance that I was in love with at that time. He turned out to be a controlling asshole and I did what I was told. He didn’t want the baby and told me to abort or he would leave, I obeyed and hated myself later. I was only a few weeks along but I wasn’t strong enough mentally and emotionally to tell him to go to hell and I couldn’t bear being a single mom. Time passed and relationship after relationship, nothing happened. No matter how good the guy was or how in love, no pregnancy for ten years.

I needed to let go and forgive in order for the divine to bless me again. During my marriage and my pregnancy, I forgave more and more. I will never forget waking up one Sunday morning and I felt it with every ounce of my being and forgave people who hurt me in the past. I felt light as a feather and returned to bed for a bit more sleep. When my husband lost his job, our daughter was 6 months old. I felt it again, this time in the shower, I thought of my biological father that I don’t know and have hated all my life. I’m adopted and I was told some bad things that I had no choice but to believe growing up and this even in my life triggered understanding that maybe this happened to my father that led to his poor life choices.

Forgiving my father whom I don’t know anything about besides what was told to me was huge. I cried so hard I was in pain for a moment but letting the anger go was truly amazing. The act itself is very simple. The reason it’s not easy is that people aren’t ready until they are. You can’t force forgiveness. Saying empty words will have no meaning. Forgiveness is a powerful and freeing act.

I can hear it now, some people don’t deserve forgiveness for ….. Fill in the blank. Been there, done that too. I’m no angel by any means. I hold grudges which is toxic too. I lost my brother because a kid drug dealer injected him 4x with heroin that day even while he laid there in his vomit. Murderer comes to mind, I swore if I found this kid, well I’m sure you can imagine the rest. We are judging them, it’s not up to us. Karma is a bitch and will get them or if they believe in hell they will suffer there. I prefer to believe in Karma.

Forgive for you, not them. This isn’t about them. This is all about you. Whatever happened to you, that you obsess over day and night, stop! I know firsthand the self-torture of reliving this over and over. It doesn’t help, it wastes your time and your energy. Free yourself from the chains of the past. It’s over and gone and it cannot be changed in any way no matter how many times you change it in your thoughts. Want to be better, live better, have more freedom and better luck than let it go. You are worthy of love, good intentions, support and so much more. So give that gift to yourself.

 

I invite you to share your stories of forgiveness.  Remember to love yourself enough to set yourself free.

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6 thoughts on “Forgiveness Is Simple But Not Easy

  1. I am sorry that happened to your brother. That sounds like a really hard thing to forgive somebody for.

    In my experience forgiveness has been about putting myself in the shoes of the person who has caused me harm, and understanding what their perspective is. It’s not easy. There’s a saying that “we’re all doing the best that we can.” I think there is some truth to that. It can help us to accept the behavior of others and eventually find forgiveness.

  2. It’s not easy to forgive someone, especially the one you love, trust, and cared the most. How will i forgive when that person will keep on doing it? How can you forgive when that person didn’t ask for forgiveness? They say forgive them NOT for them but for yourselves, to set you free from anger, toxics, hatred, and etc. i tried so many times to forgive, but how come i always remember the past, or something reminds of the past. And when i remember it, i start to feel anger and hurt. Is it “forgiven but not forgotten? What i do is , i just pray. Pray that one day, i will finally forgive them and forgive myself. I kinda relate to your story. But I’m glad that you already forgive and set yourself free. I hope one day i will also be free. Thank you.

    1. Meliza, it’s hard to do.  What I left out what how mentally abusive and controlling the fiance was.  I did as I was told until I made up my mind to stop allowing it.  I discovered within myself that as long as I loved him or cared, he had control.  I made my intentions clear for a spiritual divorce and it worked.  Next time I saw him, I felt nothing at all.  I remember all the details but I chose to stop thinking about it.  Replaying the past only wastes time in the present.  I know from experience.  If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to escape and heal yourself.  It is not healthy or right to allow someone to harm you physically and/or mentally.   I have several friends that I have helped in these situations, one recently got a divorce and is fighting for custody.  That person doesn’t need to ask for forgiveness.  When it is in your past and no longer serves you to remember the horrible things then without telling anyone, forgive for you.  If you feel better with only forgiving yourself for putting up with it in the name of love, then do that.  Your soul will tell you.

  3. Very motivating article to read, so many things in our lives sounds easier than they really are to do. When we are hurt it is much more difficult to forgive right away, I was not always able to forgive myself but I am much better now with practice.

    It is true what they say, we are only hurting ourselves by holding grudges, even when someone has broken our hearts.

    1. thank you for sharing your story with me. It took me years to forgive. I don’t forgive easy either I’m being part Italian I hold grudges. For a very long time I believed that there are many people in this world that do not deserve forgiveness because they are evil.

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